Originality

Everyone's trying so hard to be original. I'm so tired of it.

We all try our best to be memorable. We feel we have to stand out to be worthwhile. Though of course, there are people who are content just being who they are, surrounded by familiar faces. I wonder how they manage to be like that. Maybe they just weren't born with narcissistic tendencies, like most of us. I guess they just don't feel the urge to prove themselves. Why should they, they're already surrounded by family and friends.

Still, I feel like the world is based on being original. It's hardly ever interesting when one does something that's been done before. Our internet profiles are able to look catchy and clever, if we just have to spend a few days on the layout. It's a hobby to some, but it's like a duty to most. There's also fashion; at certain age, we're expected to follow the mainstream when it comes to looks, but they are designed to look spontaneous and, yes, original. And when it comes to amaturistic philosophy (for example, this blog itself), one tries to be as clever as possible, proving the internet that they're an autonomous individual. And why shouldn't we? It keeps the world interesting, right? As long as we can combine it with blending in.

Well, I've spent my whole life being different but not original. At least, I might've stood out from the places I lived, but only because the internet taught me how to do so. Psychological problems were a great help, as well. And funny enough; In society I don't fit in, so I find refuge in the internet. On the internet, I'm an invisible little pixel, a tiny wave in the ocean, with nothing much to say. How ironic is that? And still I try my hardest to perfect every little thing I put up here, my thoughts, my drawings, may layout... because there's still a possibility that some stranger from across the globe may stumble upon it, somehow.

I could go on and on about this, but I musn't grumble. Perhaps I should enjoy others' originiality a bit more, and stop worrying about my own insignificance.

~With love, Fifi

The imperfection of perfectionism

Perfection... you seem obsessed by it.
Is it really that much to you?
I guess it is, since little parts of you are dying for it.
Isn't perfection just a shadow, casted by those who are blind for reason and immune to satisfaction?
Are we born into this world to chase after a dream that we could never possibly reach?
You hold on so tight. Can't open up your hands and let it slip away, it's a part of you.

I hate perfection. I can't understand it. Perfection is emptiness.
Even though admiration is everything to me. That causes me to try my hardest at everything I do. But jealousy and loneliness would come with it, if all my writings and drawings, or my appearance, would be perfect. So, perfection isn't perfect. Perfection is the cold, empty shell that you're about to become.
I know it so well, because I envy you. You're already so beautiful, and yet you want to banish all your flaws from your beautiful being. Sometimes it makes me doubt myself, and I'm scared I'm not good enough to be with you. I'm scared that I myself will be a flaw to you, a little stain to your appearance, not big enough to whipe away.
It makes me shiver. It's cold outside of your perfectioned heart.

I've been where you are... I've felt what you feel... What do you expect of a girl with a face like mine? Especially with whole the world going crazy over their appearance and achievements.
But, I didn't like it. Do you?
Do you think you have control of yourself if you keep checking your weight? Would it make any difference if you'd just... accept the way you are?
Something to control, perhaps. I can't reach you, my words don't break through those thoughts of yours. You don't care what I think of you, you only see what is easy to see, something to feel, something to understand.
But anyway, I think you're perfect.

And I hate perfection.

~With love, Fifi

Some thoughts on depression

I want to drown in my sorrow; simply because it's easier to just let everything go and let yourself sink away.Being a darkminded teenage human being, I find it easier to believe in the shadows on every bright corner, and often can't get myself to tire those 15 muscles we use when smiling...

I have an image in my head, of a girl who's sinking away in a black puddle. She's holding on to the branches of tree that's leaning over the puddle a bit. She hung that way for quite some time, but never really tried to pull herself up. She knows what lies in that puddle; she's been there, it's hers.
She doesn't know if she has the strength to drag her butt out of there, and a lot of fears keep her from doing it as well. She's a tad scared of falling, and also afraid of what she'll find in that tree; maybe it's best to stay in a place where the birds won't taunt her.
Another main reason, is change. Every human being fears change somehow. It isn't easy to adjust to a new style of living, thinking, feeling, seeing or breathing, it's safe to stay in the position you've been put your entire life. (Even if your "entire life" is just a tiny fragment of one, like the 15-year old one of mine.)

Well, I fear change, but I also loathe this routine. I can either let go and drown or wait another couple of years for my dress to dry, untill I have enough strength to pull myself up to that tree, where I will have to use even more will and strength to keep my balance...

I'll just hang around for now.

~With Love, Fifi

Happy new year and stuff

First have all, I need to toast to a new year;

HAPPY 2009!
Have a splendid new year filled with joy and health, and may the tea be with you.

Now we've got that out of the way, let's move on.

I haven't really payed much attention to my High Tea at all, as I never seemed to have enough inspiration to start about an interesting subject. And if I do, I can't translate my thoughts to proper English (good heavens, it's time to look for a Dutch site to blog on).
My English can only improve over time, but I'll work hard to provide you with some tea again.

~With Love, Fifi

Introduction

My name is Aviva, I'm a 15 year old girl from the Netherlands.
I try to be original. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail. I've learned it gets harder every time, but I've also learned it's easy to lose yourself when you try to find different ways to express yourself.
So now I'm learning how to be myself. Even though I'm not sure if I like that person.
Anyways, I think about almost everything, and I'd like to share my thoughts.

A few things about me to avoid possible confusion;
- I speak Dinglish; I live in the Netherlands, hence my weird use of the English language.
- I think I'm a lesbian. As I said before, I only say it to avoid possible confusion in latter blogs, not to be pounced on by perverted individuals.
- My mother got divorced after having three kids and is now married to a woman; but I'd like to state that homosexuality is not inheritable.

You can also find me at VampireFreaks and DeviantArt.

So please join the tea party, talking to the vermin in the kitchen gets pretty old.

~With Love, Fifi